


And I have you

by wordsfromkirk



Category: One Piece
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Sanji Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, You Have Been Warned, Zoro needs a hug, this story is chalk full of ANGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2020-07-19 17:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsfromkirk/pseuds/wordsfromkirk
Summary: "What I'm trying to say is that I won't ever be able to understand the pain that you're going through, but I understand the feeling of being so helpless, that you just want to give up. It's so much easier than to keep on fighting; to slip away and never have to deal with the burden that weighs on you… but if you're able to fight back, then why not try and live?"





	1. Chapter 1

His heart beat rapidly grew as each minute passed in a suffocating silence. The tension in the room was bone crushing in anticipation for the awaiting news. Blunt nails split apart the skin on his forearms in distress. Little, red crest marks were left to spill blood onto the floor unnoticed as his attention was on the doors that would open and for the doctor to give him the answers that they left hanging, dangling in suspension until after the surgery was finished. Though the pain didn’t filter from body to mind; it was too frazzled with worry, he even had to constantly remind himself not to bite off his own tongue in his consuming panic.

“Sanji,” a hand was gently laid on top of his shoulder and he jolted at the contact. He met Luffy’s gaze with unfocused eyes. “He’ll be alright.”

“But we don’t know…” Sanji’s voice was hoarse and his mouth felt as if it was full of cotton, weighing down his tongue.

“We know Zoro, and he never breaks a promise. He still has to become the world’s greatest swordsmen, remember?” Luffy offered a small smile and Sanji felt his heart crack into even more pieces. His eyes stung in agony from the constant abuse, but no more tears fell. He’d already cried constantly for the three hours that they’d been holded up in the chairs of the small waiting room.

He let out a sob and Luffy leaned down and hugged him to his chest. Sanji would never understand how Luffy could manage to stay so calm, to seem and act like his normal self in these types of situations. Sanji was a mess within the first few days while Zoro was away, let alone trying to keep it together after they found Zoro--while he had--

The air escaped his lungs in a pained noise as his mind descended into a panicked frenzy of anguish. He knew that Zoro was capable of pulling off inhuman stunts, but how could this be happening, how could this be happening, how could this be happ--?

___One_Piece___

Zoro was different; he wasn’t quite like anything anyone had seen before. He was both one of the most unique people you could ever meet and yet one of the most simplistic people as well--if you didn’t count his unusual hair color. While he was prideful and stubborn, he was also gentle and kind when he needed to be, though there was a slight shift in his usual behavior recently.

Nothing severally noticeable happened, he still slept in class, sometimes skipped on playing games that Luffy tried to involve him in, and even showed up late to his earlier classes. This was normal, everyday things that Zoro did so often that people started expecting him to do them, so nobody gave any thought when Zoro started showing up later for his classes or moving to the back of the classroom and not by his friends.

He’d make up some excuse about the hallways always moving on him (even though it was halfway through the school year), and he usually sat in whatever seat wasn’t taken anyways since he usually showed up late for most classes. Zoro was a loner for the most part, only interacting with his friends when there was group projects, during lunch, or when they all hung out after school together; he rarely sought out attention.

The week finally rounded to Friday and for the past few days, Zoro’s slight behavior change went unnoticed by everyone, for the most part. No one thought any better of it when Zoro was late, yet again, to class. No one knew that something was up, all except one student.

The bell rang, signalling the start of first hour’s class. The student’s started settling down, taking their seats as the teacher began the lesson for the day. A few students snickered about how Zoro was late again and joked about how he was probably sleeping to get out of the test today or had become lost again.

Zoro was notorious for doing this, so it would have been weirder if he would have shown up on time instead. Sanji didn’t really care what the green haired, muscled seaweed was doing. They fought enough times that the whole school knew not to get those two close to each other, but when Sanji really thought about what Zoro might be doing, he felt a slight uneasiness settle at the pit of his stomach.

This week Zoro wouldn't argue with him as much, or more of, he wouldn’t start any arguments even when he had an opening. When they did argue there wasn't the same fire in his eyes, as if he was forcing himself into the argument, only fighting back out of the normality of it. Zoro faked being angry well enough to fool their friends and even acted the same way during their fights: getting up in Sanji’s face and yelling at the top of his lungs, but Sanji had spent enough time around the Marimo to know when he wasn't putting his all into a fight.

‘As if I would give a shit about that stupid moss-head. No way, our classmates are probably right. The bastard is probably still asleep in bed. I wish I could get away with it like he does, the asshole,’ he thought. Sanji was pissed at the idiots constant tardiness, but as angry as he was he couldn’t shake off the queasy feeling building in his chest as his mind wandered to where Zoro was or what he was doing. A chef’s stomach never lies though, and Sanji became anxious as he watched minutes tick away on the clock with still no sign of Zoro.

After the bell rang again to conclude the end of first hour, and there was still no sign of Zoro, Sanji grew worried. The others student didn’t pay much mind to his absence though, chalking it up to, “brushing up on his swordsman skills.”

Now that Sanji thought about it, Zoro hadn’t even mentioned training or his swords all week. It was as if he’d lost interest all interest in the act of even picking up a sword--let alone skipping out to brush up his skills.

Sanji stilled, a shiver crawled up his spine and felt the hair on the back of his neck raise as he came to a realization. Zoro wasn’t skipping out or sleeping, and all week Zoro wasn’t being antisocial like usual; he was becoming distant and pushing everyone away and there was something wrong.

Sanji felt the food coming out of his mouth before he even noticed it start to come up. People around his stared in disgust, startled as they watched Sanji empty his stomach in the middle of the hallway, but his head was spinning so much that his dizziness overcame his sense of consciousness.

He felt himself being lead down the hallway, a steady hand pulling his arm to guide him away from prying eyes. Sanji blinked up and saw Franky giving him a comforting smile. “Let’s get you home.”

After going to the office he was sent home, glad to be able to try and get some rest after his disturbing showing in the hallway. He hadn’t been paying much attention during class anyways, let alone try and sit through a few more hours while his mind wandered to where the swordsman might be--or what he was going through.

Sanji’s phone buzzed from on top the nightstand. There was a mixture of texts from his friend group: “get well soons,” “get some rest,” and “can I use your ID card to eat your lunch for today?” from Luffy. As much as he was thankful for the support they always gave (other than Luffy’s ridiculous text), his stomach was still churning even after he read Nami’s “hope you feel better!” text.

He closed his eyes, trying to imagine Nami taking care of him, feeding him soup or laying in bed with him to try and calm his racing heart, but he felt as if his intestines were tying themselves together and his stomach was being torn from the inside out. No matter how much he tried to rest or push aside his worries, memories from the past week kept playing in the back of his eyelids like a haunting. The more he started to put everything together, the more he started wondering, distressing over Zoro’s health.

‘What happened to him before this week started to make him isolate himself from everyone?,’ he pondered, a cold sweat breaking over his skin. A deadly shiver danced on Sanji’s spine, memories creeping in from past times he tried so hard to keep locked away in the far cages of his mind. The thought that Zoro was undergoing the same pain he had when he was a child threatened to tear his mind open, dissecting old wounds in a feverish madness. He knew that Zoro was in trouble, that he was suffering something dreadfully painful, and he was left to endure this hardship alone.


	2. Chapter 2

As the weekend rolled over and Monday came along, Sanji could barely contain his building anxiousness as he bolted out of the bus doors and into the school, completely unaware of his friends shouting after him in question. Upon entering he scanned the room for a head full of green, but was met with the view of his empty seat.

The bell rang and Sanji reluctantly sat down, feeling a bit defeated. Dread ate away at the pit of his stomach and he knew that his stressing over Zoro wasn’t him just overthinking. There was something wrong, Sanji didn't know exactly what it was, but he knew that Zoro wouldn’t miss class unless it was for something important. Albeit, he did skip class for sleeping, but Zoro would even come to school being dog-shit sick and looking like hell just because he didn’t want to miss more school than he had too. While he had scorned Zoro for this, angrily shouting about the possibility of getting the girls sick, Sanji would rather have Zoro puking on the floor right now, even puking on his dress shoes, then to see his seat empty again.

Zoro’s prolonged absence was abnormal, so much so that even Luffy asked everyone during lunch if they had seen or heard of Zoro since last Friday. A resounding no was said from the group and there was a sudden and immediate tension at the table. Sanji could feel Usopp still beside him and looked across to Nami, who looked lost for words.

Sanji felt as if his heart had crawled up his throat and was choking him as he looked back to Luffy and saw his usual bright grin was replaced with a more stern expression. Sanji knew his intuition was right if Luffy was serious about the swordsman's absence. Luffy was somehow the unspoken leader to their friend group, the glue that kept them all together when everything was falling apart. Time and time again Luffy was able to help each of his friends, no matter what the situation, but Sanji wondered if Luffy knew how to handle this one.

“Zoro’s capable of handling himself,” Luffy reminded them with a smile and the building pressure of stress slowly seeped away. However, Sanji’s nerves still buzzed within the back of his head, granting him no reassurance. “If anything comes up, then come to me first.” Luffy stood, looking over everyone before leaving the table and his untouched food.

It wasn’t until Thursday that week before they received anything on why Zoro was missing. Luffy woke up that morning, and in his usual meat deprived state, didn’t realize that there was a letter addressed to him sitting in the middle of the kitchen table until Ace pointed it out. In a frenzy, Luffy grabbed the letter and ran to school as fast as he could, texting everyone to meet him at the school asap.

"I'm doing fine, don't worry about me," Luffy read after opening the paper and Sanji was seething. He was pissed at the audacity Zoro had to write this note and expected them to not worry over him while giving them as little information as possible to explain where he had been, what he had been up to-- and still not show his face. Sanji wasn’t just enraged by Zoro’s prolonged absence, but for the fact that Zoro was suffering, yet refused to allow his friends to support him in his time of need.

Sanji felt the urge to rip the note apart and burn the remains as if damaging the note would somehow irritate Zoro enough to come and yell at him--to just do anything to him. Zoro could kick him, punch him; Sanji would be okay if Zoro wanted to cut off his head at this point, as long as he was able to see the damn moss head and make sure that Zoro was alright. To see Zoro again would be such a relief off of his shoulders….

Luffy put a careful hand on Sanji shoulder and looked up at him with reassuring eyes, to let him know that he understood, that he wanted to run off and find Zoro just as much as he did. Sanji’s heartbeat slowed, almost as if time was stopping as he felt some of his worries fall off of his shoulders. He turned to each person and saw the same agonized looks in each of their faces. His heart felt as if it was being crushed by the cruel irony that while he didn’t think about anyone else’s pain other than Zoro’s, Zoro burdened his pain by himself and refused to accept help.

Friday came along and Sanji didn’t expect to see Zoro in his seat anymore. Whatever he was doing, it was taking up a lot of time and Sanji began to accept this. It would have been some sort of miracle for him to show up to their first class on time anyways.

Zoro didn’t believe in that type of mythology though: miracles, God, religion, faith. Zoro let his life be guided by “fate,” as he had said so many times before. ‘Whatever,’ Sanji thought, ’Zoro’s always reckless.’

He found himself praying to whatever God that was out there, to anyone who might have been listening to his silent wish, for just one miracle. It’s a good thing he never believed in divine beings anyways, otherwise, he'd have been let down.

___One_Piece___

Monday rolled around again and Sanji’s stomach dropped. Zoro’s absence was starting to get ridiculous and it made Sanji want to grip at his hair and start ripping it out. He wanted to grab chairs from the classroom and throw them around, not caring who it might hit. Sanji was raging, and wanted nothing more than to scream at the top of his lungs.

Without thinking, he marched over to Zoro's seat and sat down, choosing to cross his arms over his chest and glaring at the front of the room than to make himself look like he was going insane. No one said anything as he did, only looking over at him with pitiful looks.

As the week kept moving, people started acting as if Zoro hadn’t ever been a part of the school to begin with. The rumors about why he’d gone missing died down as everyone started forgetting about him. Zoro had vanished without a trace--other than the note he had written last Thursday. Even Sanji found himself wondering at times if Zoro was going to come back or if he was going to stay gone forever. He was losing hope that one day he might walk into first hour and see Zoro there.

As much as Sanji fought with Zoro, he’d rather bite off his own tongue than to keep looking at his empty seat. The swordsman's absence was worse than his presence, and it was driving Sanji into madness. Hell, he didn’t even care at this point if Zoro did or didn’t give an explanation for being gone for so long, just as long as he could see him again….

Friday came along once again to save everyone from the an agonisingly slow week, yet also set them in a funk as it also marked the second week of Zoro’s disappearance. Luffy forced everyone into a much needed relaxing time where they all would hang out and have fun; not that anyone would have disagreed anyways after the stress they’d been going through. The plan was that they’d all meet up at the movie theater and afterwards, would walk back to Luffy’s place to order pizza and have a sleep over.

Once there, everyone had bought their tickets, all except Luffy, who was late and nowhere to be seen. The group was instantly set into a panic, wondering if he was going to disappear like Zoro as well. Was Luffy in danger? They all knew that Luffy was more than capable of holding his own in a fight, but after Zoro being missing for so long, his tardiness didn’t set in right with any of them.

“Hey guys, come here and look at this.” Usopp gestured towards where he stood, gazing out of the window. As they neared, trying to see what Usopp was talking about, they saw Luffy running towards them and shouting something, but he was too far away to hear.

Nami brushed it off, saying that it was probably some joke that Luffy was trying to pull in an excuse as to why he was late. Although, as Luffy sprinted closer to them, Sanji noticed that blood covered his hands, the panicked look on his face, the way his whole body was just too tense. Sanji burst through the door, heaving his way to reach his distressed friend.

Luffy was hysterical; a crying, blubbering mess of tears, snot, and blood. Everyone may have been worried before, but now they were horrified by their friends state of being. Luffy never cried, yet he stood in front of them, tears freely streaking down his cheeks. He tried to rub them away, but that only caused the blood on his hands to smear over his face and Sanji inwardly shook at the sight.

They crowded around him in shocked silence while Robin stood in front, trying to calm Luffy down, and all Sanji could manage was to gape at his friend and listen to Robin’s quiet words of reassurance. She asked him what had happened, who’s blood was on him since he didn’t have any sightable wounds, but Luffy wasn’t able to form any words, let alone a sentence.

Sanji was crushed with a petrified fear that clung to him like hooks sinking into his skin. His chest heaved in unstable breaths and his lungs felt as if they were being constricted by his rib cage, enclosing his windpipes like iron bars of a prison.

“Where?” Sanji gasped and Luffy lifted a trembling hand and pointed. That’s all it took before Sanji left, rushing past his friends and charging down the street. He ran faster than what he thought was possible, ran even faster when his mind supplied him with images that he didn't want to believe, but when he rounded the corner and looked down the alley, his mind shut down all images and replaced it with static. He wasn’t in control anymore, almost as if he was put on autopilot as he neared the body that laid on the ground. Even before Sanji was able to see his face, he knew who was lying there.

His swords laid around him, like he had dropped them and forgotten about them. ‘Like Zoro didn't even care,’ Sanji's mind supplied for him. There was blood on his swords, there was blood all over his chest, there was blood on his face, there was blood pooled around him--there was too much red around Zoro and not enough green. 

Sanji felt as if his heart had shriveled up inside his chest and he felt like he was dying. He didn't hear Nami scream, didn't hear Usopp throw up, didn't hear Chopper yelling at Franky to call an ambulance. All he noticed was Zoro's ragged, shallow breathing and the wound that went across his chest. Sanji saw movement in his peripheral vision, and watched as Zoro's fingers flexed, almost as if he were trying to reach--

"Sanji." He heard him breathe out, so quietly that he almost didn't hear it. Falling to his knees, Sanji knelt next to Zoro and grabbed his hand. Zoro's grip was loose and Sanji was terrified of the idea of possibly losing--

No. He wouldn't think that--couldn’t think that. Zoro was strong. No matter what he got himself into he fought tooth and nail to come out on top. He never lost, pride always getting his way no matter how much it hurt, and seeing Zoro this hurt--

"Why are y-…. You. Crying?" Zoro said between shallower breaths. Fingers brushed over his own tears and Sanji wondered when he started crying, not noticing until Zoro had pointed it out.

"Because some idiot decided to fight a bear, apparently." Sanji sarcastically remarked, surprised that he could even utter out a word. Zoro tried to smirk, but a fit of coughs went through his body and he started spitting out blood.

“Hey, Zoro--Zoro.” Sanji said, panic settled in like ice in his veins. Zoro’s body spasmed as more blood spilled onto the ground, soaking into Sanji’s clothes. Sanji held Zoro in his lap, clinging to his hand as it if were his lifeline, the only thing keeping him grounded.

When the ambulance arrived Franky had to pry Sanji away from Zoro as they put him on a spinal board. Sanji didn’t want to let go in fear that if he did then that might be the last time he'd ever get to see Zoro or his ridiculous green hair. Never get to hear him yell back at him for calling him an idiot. Never get to see him become the world's greatest swordsman that he sworn he'd become since he was little.


	3. Chapter 3

Sanji woke, panting heavily and drenched in sweat. His body felt exhausted but his mind was screaming, alarm bells ringing in the back of his head. Blood pounded in his ears, sounding like that of a rushing river during a downpour. He rubbed at his raw eyes, using the pain to ground himself instead of dealing with how his body felt as if was being torn apart. 

“--Sanji.” Someone called and he hissed in pain as if he was beaten on the head with a hammer; he felt like his skull was being cracked open. Someone removed his hands from over his eyes and unclench his shaking fists. Sanji tried to focus on the warmth and gentle touches instead of the torture his body was going through.

“Take this.” The person said, setting something small onto his palm. He pried his eyes open, but his vision was blurred. Blinking a few times, he noticed that he had two Tylenol pills resting in his hand. After swallowing the pills the person gave him a glass of water and he drank it greedily, soothing his sore throat.

“Where?” Sanji croaked, exhaustion weighing him down.

“You’re home,” Zeff said, and Sanji tried to focus on his figure.

“How’d I get home?”

“Heh,” Zeff let out an airy laugh, “Your friends called after you passed out from your panic attack. You really scared me there.”

“But I should be at the hospital--Zoro--”

“Right now you need to get better. He’s not going anywhere and neither are you.” Zeff said, giving him a stern look. Sanji felt the pain in the back of his eyes as tears threatened to spill over.

“He was dying. In my arms--I held him--” Sanji heaved, heart pacing and breathe racing.

“Sanji, I need you to breathe, okay? Focus on your breathing.” Zeff’s calm voice soothed over the holes of his mind and Sanji tried to choke back tears.

“I don’t want him to go. I can’t lose him--”

Zeff pulled Sanji into a tight hug, holding his shaking form as he spilled all the built-up emotions that ate away at him for the past few weeks. “You don’t have to say anymore. I know you’re hurting. I know you’re trying to fight this on your own, but I’ll be damned if I just sit back and let you be alone through all of this. I’m not leaving you alone.”

“Zoro’s alone--”

“He still hasn’t woken up yet, and everyone’s in the waiting room.” Zeff assured him, “but you should rest.”

Sanji inhaled, about to protest, but Zeff spoke first, “don’t worry eggplant, I’ll wake you if anything happens. You need to rest.” Zeff placed his hand on Sanji’s shoulder and gently helped him lie back down. He watched as Sanji tried to fight off sleep, but soon he was overcome by exhaustion and fell into a deep rest.

“You’re in no condition to be worrying about anyone, yet you try to be there for your friends when you’re the one falling apart.” Zeff huffed out as he leaned back in a chair, sitting next to Sanji’s bed. “You have too much heart kid. I swear you’re going to be the death of me.” Yawning, Zeff closed his eyes and stayed by Sanji’s side throughout the rest of the night.

___One_Piece___

It took until Monday for Zoro to not be in critical condition. When he was rushed to the hospital the doctors were surprised that he was even alive after losing so much blood. The wound on his chest had been life-threatening to the point that if he wouldn’t have arrived to the hospital when he did, then he would have had bled out and died. Luckily for Zoro, the scar wasn’t infected and the doctors worked quickly to stitch his chest. It was a miracle that he survived, and the doctors were all happy to see him finally awake. Sanji, however, found himself aggravated at the swordsman yet again.

When Luffy came running into the school that morning, with a smile that outshined the Sun, the stress and restlessness that had settled over the group for the past two weeks had vanished; they knew that Zoro was okay. Nami, Chopper, Robin, and Usopp were in tears (even though Usopp said it was “just sweat,” and tried to act manly about it), Brook started singing and Franky started dancing, and Luffy joined in with the two, and Sanji felt the world fall off his shoulders. They rejoiced to Zoro’s better health, knowing that he was safe and that he was awake--he was alive.

As much as Sanji was glad for nagging of constant worry that had shrouded over his mind, he was now left with unanswered questions ‘Why would Zoro let something like this happen to him?’

It wasn’t as if Zoro never was hurt after battles, he received bruises and new scars on a daily basis, but almost dying? Zoro never lost, he had too much pride in himself to be on the losing side, yet last Friday… he would have died if it wasn’t for Luffy finding him. The truth behind those words caused Sanji’s breath to escape his collapsing lungs; heart freezing in the cold reality.

Zoro had kept everyone in the dark, fighting his battle alone. He caused everyone so much stress, worried and terrified for him after his disappearance, yet he allowed himself to be slaughtered in a gross, abandoned hallway as if his life didn’t matter. Throwing away his ambitions as if they didn’t matter. Pushing away his friends as if they didn’t matter….

“How could Zoro let this happen??!” Sanji thought, slamming his fists onto his desk as hot, angry tears spilled over.

“What’d Zoro do?” A classmate asked and Sanji jerked up, hazy eyes meeting confused ones. The room was silent as all eyes were on him.

“I-I didn’t realize--did I say that out loud?” He asked in a quiet whisper.

“Why don’t you go take a walk? Calm yourself down.” The teacher said, more of letting Sanji go than giving the option to. He gathered his school materials and ran out of the room.

Later, as everyone sat in the waiting room to see Zoro, the anger that bubbled in his chest during school dissolved into a flurry of strong, uncontrollable emotions. A nurse allowed only one person to see Zoro at a time. Luffy had looked over to Sanji, a silent question being said through his eyes, but Sanji shook his head and told Chopper that he should be the first person to see Zoro and for Zoro to see.

One by one their friends entered then exited Zoro’s room, and Sanji nervously waited until he was the one to walk through that door. Everyone grew excited about their turn, except Sanji stayed glued to his chair, staying behind because he didn’t know what he wanted to say, he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. Sanji waited because a small part of him didn’t want to see Zoro--not this way. Not after worrying over him for hours, staying up during restless nights while his face flashed throughout the corners of his mind.

Luffy took the seat beside him and offered him a comforting smile, breaking him out of his state of mind. “Are you ready?” he asked and Sanji scanned the room, ready to make an excuse to extend his time, but the room was empty and he was the last one left.

A nervous sweat shot through his body as he took in a shaky breath. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Luffy offered; Sanji swallowed dry spit.

“But I need too….”

“Sanji,” Luffy rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and Sanji turned to him. Luffy stared at him with the same understanding look from back when they first read Zoro’s letter, and it gave Sanji enough courage to stand up. His legs felt like concrete; his feet like magnets being pulled to the floor, but he moved towards the door. Anticipation crawled over his skin like tiny insects as he twisted the cold, metal handle until the door opened and he was on the other side.


	4. Chapter 4

The room was filled with silence, other than the beeping of Zoro’s steady heart. Sanji’s own thrashed against his rib cage as if trying to escape from the awaiting confrontation. Still, he slowly paced forward; and when Zoro’s gaze was fixed on him his breath was stolen from his lips. Sanji knew that look, could feel the lingering effects of what that look brought; it greeted him like an old friend, and then Sanji was scared for a whole other reason.

“Zoro--”Sanji breathed out.

“I wanted to die.” Zoro blurted, and suddenly Sanji felt as if he were on a sinking ship, being pulled under by cold water and all he could do was struggle to keep himself from being swallowed beneath those dark, blue hues. Zoro never admitted defeat; he never lost sight of his dream. His name was supposed to reach the Heavens; to shake the world! Sanji believed that Zoro would never dream of throwing away his life’s purpose, but would and could were two different words, even if their sound was almost the same…

“I knew, before going into the fight, that he was stronger than me.” Zoro spoke, bringing Sanji out of his chaos wrecked mind, “I didn’t know he’d be that much stronger, but I knew that if I sought him out than he would show me no mercy.” His voice was dull, lacking any emotion over his words.

The room grew into a violent quietness that threatened to rip Sanji apart. He felt his gut-twisting and pulling on itself, felt the same pain that weighed down on his chest when he had been the one to lie in that hospital bed, almost starved to death. It was too familiar, to clear for Sanji to want to remember, but it tore at him and ate away at his racing heart. Thinking about the past at a time like this was murderous, and Sanji willed the hurtful memories away.

He needed to speak, to break the silence, but how do you even respond to someone telling you that they went out to fight because they had a death wish? Zoro had wanted to die--no. He wasn't going to think about that, wouldn't think about it, so instead, he asked, "did you… Did you tell the others this? What you just told me?"

"No."

"Then why are you telling me? If anything Luffy would--"

"Luffy wouldn't understand--he wouldn't ever get close to understanding. He couldn’t even begin..." Zoro’s words lost volume, and soon they ended. He stared at his hands as picked at his fingernails as Sanji watched him. He looked so unlike himself, all confidence and cockiness forgotten and replace with meekness. Zoro looked weak, like a small animal trapped in a cage, knowing that they’ll never escape.

“Then why do you think I would?” Sanji asked after a moment. Zoro seemed to be searching for the right words as his expression kept shifting, thinking carefully over what he was going to say next. 

“None of the others would stand there and actually listen to what I'd have to say. They'd show me pity, say that it was an accident, that I wasn't thinking right after I saw her--" Zoro seemed to choke on his words and for a split second, Sanji saw Zoro's eyes betray him. They told the unspoken story Zoro hadn’t said; brimming with misery, grief, sorrow, and anger before it faded away into the same glazed over look he had worn when Sanji first walked in.

"What do you mean?"

“No, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Zoro huffed, “never mind.”

Sanji clenched his hands into tight fists by his side to contain his anger, but his voice leaked with viciousness, “Never mind? You start explaining why you’ve been gone, saying that I was the only person that’d be able to understand, yet you tell me never mind?!”

“It’s not that big of a deal--”

“Of course it is! Zoro, you’ve been gone for two weeks without giving barely anything on where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing to anyone! I was worried sick about you, scared that maybe you took on more than you could chew, and here we are! I know that you’re better now, but do you know how terrified I was when I found you bleeding to death in that alleyway? Do you know what I felt when I held onto you, thinking that I was never going to see you again?!”

All the pent up anger seeped out of Sanji as he turned away from Zoro. It took every ounce of his willpower to bite back the onslaught of emotions, but his fears and anxieties rushed through his bones and flooded his veins. Like a scab being torn off, the pain flushed through as tears started cascading down his face. He tried wiping his eyes with his sleeves, but the tears wouldn't stop their attack. Crying was ugly, crying was messy, and crying brought with it too many over burying emotions that opened one’s heart to be beaten.

"I'm not sorry for what I did," Zoro says after a while, and Sanji spun on his kneel.

"Fuck you, you asshole. I don't care if you're not sorry, but the fact that you went and got yourself almost killed like you had some sort of death wish--you put us--me--through a living hell! You said that I was the only one who would understand, so let me understand why the fuck you would even think about doing this--hurting us all because of some sort of God complex you seem to--"

"Kuina died!” Zoro snapped, glaring over at Sanji until his expression changing into a pained look and he bowed his head.

"Oh shit." Sanji had heard Zoro talk about Kuina once. He usually kept to himself about his personal life, but Sanji had overheard Zoro talking to Luffy about her. Remembered how Zoro actually smiled talking about his sister, admitting that he actually missed her. Luffy smiled back, saying how he missed Ace as well, and Sanji felt as if he were watching something intimate between the two, and left with a heavy chest.

"After she died I tried to brush it off, I tried to just act like it never happened, but she--I--" Sanji watched as Zoro tried to stay calm, tried to keep everything under control. He watched Zoro's face scrunch up before he started crying.

Zoro was crying and his sister was dead.

What do you tell someone after their sister dies and they try to commit suicide? 'Well, better luck next time,' range through Sanji's head in a sadistic howl that had haunted him during his recovery, and he had to shake off the terrifying feeling slowly growing in between his ribs.

No one was ever prepared for something like this, no one should have to go through something like this--Zoro didn't deserve to feel like this. For as many times as he's helped out every single friend of his--and even strangers he didn't know--Zoro did not deserve this.

The world was a cruel place, and Sanji knew that better than most.

“The closest I’ve been to death was when I was younger,” Sanji spoke up as Zoro’s sobs became quieter. “I almost starved to death, and I sometimes still get hunger pains that feel like knives cutting into my stomach. It doesn’t matter if I’m full either, it’s like a reminder of past pain that still haunts me today.” Sanji took in a shaky breath, looking to Zoro who stared at the wall.

“I thought I was going to die, I’m surprised that I didn’t after how long I went without food and water, but I was lucky enough to have Zeff by my side to endure the pain with me. I can’t thank that old geezer enough for all he did for me--what he’s still doing for me.

“What I’m trying to say is that I won’t ever be able to understand the pain that you’re going through, but I understand the feeling of being so helpless, that you just want to give up. It’s so much easier than to keep on fighting; to slip away and never have to deal with the burden that weighs on you….” Sanji hadn't noticed that he'd started crying again. He went to wipe his tears but noticed that something was holding his hand down. His eyes wandered to his hands and saw Zoro's hand in his, and he smiled sadly. He shifted his gaze to Zoro’s face and saw him staring back with an overflowing amount of emotion as tears spilled; his eyes searching for solace within Sanji that he had been deprived of for the past few weeks and Sanji’s heart lurched in his chest, begging to be given in replace of Zoro own broken one. Instead, Sanji gently reached his hand up and whipped away Zoro's tears as well as his own.

"I'm not saying that it'll get easier, and I'm not going to say that everything within time will be fine; it'll still hurt the same. You'll want to get rid of the pain, but taking the easy way out isn't always the right way. You'll always have to fight it, and sometimes it'll seem like it's unbearable, but if you’re able to fight back, then why not try and live?" Sanji said, hoping that his words would reach Zoro’s heart and stick to him like a tattoo. "I know that you'll pull through. You have Luffy and Usopp, Nami and Robin, Chopper, Franky and Brook."

"And I have you," Zoro said so quietly that Sanji almost missed it, but the words lit his insides on fire with a warmth that soothed his aching bones. Never in his life had Sanji wanted to protect and love someone as much as he did when he stared at Zoro with so much adoration in his beating heart.

“And you have me.” Sanji smiled for what felt like the first time in his life and watched as Zoro’s mouth twitched up into a true, genuine smile that he didn’t know how much he missed until now. He leaned down and kissed the swordsman's tear-streaked cheeks ever so gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll thanks for reading my story! <3


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